The Weight of the Matter.

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts such as AJ's and Tigger's and of course Mr. Bean's and read blogs such as Matthew's at Spanking Bea Arthur (which by the way, is becoming a new fave and find the title hysterical), who have all spoken about the issue of being larger in a world that frowns upon it; and those who have had to endure horrible things people say because they think they have every right to.

So I thought I would blog about this issue as I have been on both sides of the fence, literally. I never was mean to others; but I endured comments as a "fat girl" and comments for being the "anorexic girl". So here is my story.

As a young girl, I had a mother who, to make life easier for herself, always kept my hair cut short. The allegedly lovely dorothy hamill look. You know the one I'm talking about. And you know I say "allegedly lovely" because I think the only girls who had it were those whose mothers felt like my mom did about not wanting to have to do a lot of work on their daughter's hair. I hated it because I would be mistaken for a boy all of the time. And because of that, I was teased. This is added to the fact that I was a little chubby as an elementary school girl. The boys were merciless. I had friends; and I can't say I was teased as horribly as some; but I did get teased. And I was always devastated I didn't have a "boyfriend" in fourth or fifth grade when all of my girlfriends did.

Enter into junior high - I was still a little heavy, which the boys never forgot; but then my mom started getting me the dreaded perm. Yep, you guessed it. I looked like little orphan annie with brunette hair - in sixth, seventh and eighth grade. You may remember, in the early 90's, girls who got perms washed their hair that very night they got the perm so it got limper and looked better. Believe me, I now know that no permed hair looks good; but their hair still looked better than my annie hair. But my mom would NEVER let me do that because she paid good money ($40) for that perm and I was going to keep it forever. (She would have a heart attack if she knew how much I paid to get my hair done now!). She also was of the belief that, because I got a perm, I didn't need to do anything to style it other than comb or brush it - no curling, no hair spray, no gel - nothing. Add this to my heavier weight; and I was once again teased - "mushroom head"; "little orphan annie"; "sponge", you get the drill. I also was not allowed to wear makeup. And of course, no boy interested in me.

So going into high school, I decided that, although my mother over controlled every facet of my life, there was one thing she could not control - my weight. So I stopped eating. I ate barely any breakfast, I saved my money I got from lunch and didn't eat, and barely any dinner. I also over exercised. I took dancing about 3 times a week; and every time I drove myself, I would leave an hour early and then run around the school track for miles before it was time to go to class. I lost weight fast. I got so dangerously underweight that even those guys who used to tease me before about being heavy then started actually commenting on the fact that I was too skinny. I got a boyfriend, so of course my starvation was working, and I continued to lose weight. I was about 90 pounds at 5 foot 5.

This continued into college; but with the food at school, I gained the freshman 15. Of course, I had a heart attack about that; but I liked eating the food; so I started a new trend - no more anorexia for me - it's time for bulimia! This was the best of all worlds - I could eat what I want and then get rid of it! So back to 90 pounds. And this continued all through law school as well. And I loved doing it because I didn't get teased anymore about weight.

And then Mr. Bean came along. And he wouldn't let me get away with it - and boy was I mad at him for sticking his nose where I didn't think it belonged. But you know, he got to me; and he showed me that he would love me no matter what I looked like - he loved me for me.

And for a time, I did well. But then a few years ago, I started into the other direction as well. I'm a stress eater; and I love junk food - sweets, carbs all of it. And I would start a diet and fail. In the beginning, I was afraid that I was going to go into the other direction again with anorexia and bulimia and that's why I failed. But then as time went on, I was using that as an excuse to not diet because I wanted what I wanted.

And I had my IVF doctor tell me I should diet to help - I just got mad and didn't do anything even though the statistics showed they were right. Then, in July 2006, I had my cancer doctor tell me; well no yell at me, that I needed to lose weight; that what I was doing to myself was horrible for me, healthwise. Boy was I pissed. I really wanted to punch him. But you know, he was right. And because of him being what I thought was an asshole; I realized that I needed to get healthy. As I'm in my mid-30's (god I hate saying that); I don't want to die young; and even more important, I don't want to not have children because I won't lose the weight - I have enough going against me on this issue without adding to it.

And you know what? For the first time in my life I'm losing weight not for anyone else, not so I won't be teased, I'm losing it for myself, to be healthy, and for my child-to-be one day. And for the first time in my life, I'm losing weight the healthy way - by normal exercise and low carbs and low fat. And I'm doing something I always hated - I drink a TON of water.

So far, I've lost 84 pounds. I have about 20 to go. But in the interim, I like myself for myself and not because of what I do or do not weigh. And no one, and I mean NO ONE, is going to make me feel bad about myself for it.

So to all of you who feel you are less than perfect - you are right. Because NO ONE is perfect - it's an impossiblity. But do not feel bad about yourself - you are a good person and it doesn't matter what others think or do. And no one is better than you or has the right to make you feel less than - but you know what, they only can make you feel that way if you let them. So as Matthew said, stick up for yourself -you are worth it.

On a side note, I always find it ironic when those in minorities who have more than likely been ridiculed, teased, etc. for being in that minority; then do to others what they hated to have done to themselves. It makes no sense to me.